Andres Laszlo Jr.

Andres Laszlo Jr., aged less than two, was placed in the lap of Marilyn Monroe who allegedly said he was adorable, so from that point onward his life by definition has been downhill, and eighteen years later he found himself the 3rd worst student of his school despite studying more than most and weighing in at 26 stones. A year and a half later he was the fastest student in the world (or close to it), occasionally sidelining in modeling.

PASSING TWO CUTE GIRLS IN THE STREET, LISTENING TO THEM GIGGLE AT ME, ONE PART OF ME SAID “THEY THINK I’M HOT,” THE OTHER PART SAID, “I LOOK SO DISGUSTING THAT THEY WANNA THROW UP.” OF COURSE, I WENT TOTALLY BONKERS.

 Anyway, Junior assumed himself to be God’s gift to humanity and went in search of something good enough to devote his newfound self to fight for. Finding only scales of grey, he changed his approach, and instead, he went in search of something bad enough to fight against. The scales were still all grey, but since the darkest grey stuff on the "fight-against-list" (drug illegality and money becoming the measure of what it oughtn't to become a measure of) seemed closer to black than the lightest grey seemed to white on the "fight-for-list" (more/broader education and thinking for oneself/skepticism) he settled for "against", and though money becoming the measure of what it oughtn't to become a measure of bothered him a lot (and still does), he settled for drug illegality.

However, in his native Sweden, he found no encouragement: "We strongly recommend against such a thesis, and there’d be nobody outside police and academia allowed at your disputation," said his supervisor. "I don’t understand what you want to achieve," said Hans Holmér (Sweden’s “National Police Commissioner”), and "We cannot support such an approach," said Vienna (UNODC).

As going from "best" student to mediocre (or at least unrecognized) Ph.D. wasn't a very attractive prospect, Laszlo Jr. gave up on academia and embarked on an all-the-things-a-man-should-have-done project, in order that if he one day got into the position to say something worthwhile to an audience that would be willing to listen, he would be properly prepared to do so. The first thing on his list was to sail around the world.

"ANDRES, YOU MIGHT BE BIG AND STRONG, BUT ONE NIGHT WHEN YOU SLEEP, I WILL KILL YOU," A LITTLE GIRL ON THE BOAT TOLD ME. I HAD TO LEAVE AND LATER THE BOAT SUNK: I LOST MY LAST CORONA.

Laszlo Jr. gave up: broke and humiliated he returned to Sweden with the unpalatable knowledge that in order to do all those things he figured that a man should have done, one needs not only a cool bucket list but also money. Charlotte, a friend at Bukowski's (at the time sort of Sweden’s “Sotheby’s”), told him: I say you should buy Swedish art deco, and my boyfriend says Swedish art glass. Out of this Laszlo Jr. came up with "Orrefors 1925 – 1950." He emptied the glass shops, bought cheaply at auction, sold the lesser part of his collection, wrote a book, and became well off and famous.

"I TRIED TO TELL THE SWEDES THAT ORREFORS ART GLASS 1925 - 50 WAS THE ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE BEEN BEST AT SINCE THE VIKING'S WOOD AND SILVER, BUT AGAIN: NOBODY LISTENED."

For a second time Andres Laszlo Jr. set up an “all-the-things-a-man-should-have-done-list" - actually, he based it on a list he had composed at the age of 9 or 10, and he then spent 20 years pursuing the things on the list:

ENGLISH AS WRITTEN LANGUAGE (√), ATHLETE (√), 3Y AT OXFORD (√), B.A. PHILOSOPHY (√), B.A. WRITING (√), OALD BY HEART (√), SHOOT MAN-EATING TIGER (AN ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING RESOLUTION - SORRY), SURF PIPELINE (√), 200 COUNTRIES (187 WITH VERY CREATIVE COUNTING) & ACT JAMES BOND (FAILED BUT I APPLIED; THEY ARE PROBABLY STILL LAUGHING AT ME).

For 20 years, he had an indecent amount of fun and good fortune, doing (and failing to do) these things, while starting out on various writing projects. He then settled down in Fuengirola, Spain, where he has worked on his own texts, while also blowing some fresh life into the writings of his once-famous father.

Also: Laszlo Jr. is Swedish and French by nationality and has lived “everywhere,” people and animals have tried to kill him a dozen times. He speaks English, Swedish, Spanish, French, and Danish (though most Danes don't realize this). He is a bit of a giant, and he has probably done more brainless things than your five daftest friends together. Laszlo Jr. has also been: a mediocre actor, a too-tall model, an arrogant bridge player, a chess protégé, a slicing golfer, an art collector/exhibitor, a should-have-been rower, and a pathetically unexplosive discus-thrower.